Laughter from a funny movie, laughter from silly things, laughter from when a joke cracked, laughter from a stupid story someone tells, any kind of laughter always has this tiny drop of memory that reminds me of you. You have lightened my childhood in the way that possibly nobody out there has. I have no concern about how involved you are in my sorrow or whether you care, but I care that you were there and so was I.
-K
Dec 30, '19
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-K
Dec 30, '19
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A week in my hometown was a week I've had been waiting for. I was going to meet my family, especially my mom. I've missed her so much, I had nobody to hug back in Malang ever since mom moved to Jakarta. I didn't think of my high school friends at all because I thought they didn't want to meet me. But I was wrong, some of them seek me out. So we went out to hang out and it felt like I never left. It felt that way although part of me belongs to the cold grown woman I've become. Life was easier when we were kids, what's wrong was wrong and what's bad was bad. Now everything is vague. Everybody has their own opinion and there are reasons behind things.
Although some of my old friends mature the conversation, discussion about ones' lives is no longer interest me. I felt a bit anxious because I know, there will be a moment where it was my turn to be the chapter of a book. I tried to calm myself down, as usual. I don't often worry about what people talk about, especially when it comes to me, but somehow I care so much of what these guys say. It flashes me back to high school when my world was that small and it probably happened again. I think my mind was telling me to worry, you know since before it was with the same circle and I felt that way. Don't get me wrong, each and every one of them is caring, funny, and helpful, but honesty is not part of the traits somehow. I will always wonder what is actually going on in their minds.
But when I decided to hang out with them, they picked me up and we rode through the street I used to pass as a high school student almost every day. All the familiar buildings weren't just buildings. When I passed through this one building of my school, I was thinking to myself "There. It was the spot where I used to spend most of my time as an 8th grader. I can't believe how often I thought of suicide there, and life should've been easier back there." and I saw what used to be our basketball court, "There used to be two rings across from each other, witnessing my childhood and how happy I was playing basketball with my friends in 10th grade." Pain and joy blended into one, I felt like I belonged, though the fact is I didn't, maybe I meant to move and to support myself get through all the crap and grow. I'm happy being here but this is not the kind of thing that I need to get my mind to grow.
I have my own thoughts about them that I promised not to spill ever. I've hung out with them about 3 times that time when I thought of it. The truth is I love them as my own siblings, even I have no idea what's actually going on with their mind about me but I always wish them to be their best selves. Consciously, I know not to say anything and just bottle it up, like everything else.
The 4th time we hung out, somehow I felt so sick out of blue. I had a bad feeling about it this time but I thought, I was just being crazy. So I went to my friend's house. Within a few hours, I got really drunk which was weird, I usually able to handle my booze but there I was, dying drunk. Plus I should've known better not to get drunk in front of them because I had never done that with them. "Okay, which drunk Kea are we going to meet today. Is it the dozy-drinker? or is it the daredevil asshole? is it the sir dance-a-lot? Oh no! Please! Not the weepy-emotional deadbeat!!"
My common sense and healthy thought went over my body and watching me from afar, kept telling me not to do everything I did. Remember what I said about to keep my thoughts to myself? Well that time, I unconsciously didn't. I didn't exactly remember everything, but the following are points I remember:
1. I pulled one of my friend's hand and said "Just because you suffered from an anxiety disorder, you should believe in yourself. You should know you have everything to be somebody" (Me to myself: Oh yeah wise-ass, wtf you talking about? you're a jobless graduate lol take you too long to decide what you wanna do)
2. I pulled another friend's hand and said "Dude, your girlfriend is amazing. You gotta live up to that. If she is worth it, make yourself worth it too. (Me to myself: wow what a dillhole! Who the fuck you think you are saying shit about somebody else's relationship)
3. Open up the jar and spilling all over the place. I told my only girlfriend in high school about all the things I feel toward her and ended up crying. (Me to myself: what the fuck! It has been years since you cry and you finally cry for this? That's all it takes?)
4. When I was drunk and I was about to come out of the closet, they shut me up. That's actually the right thing to do because I wasn't ready to do so and that's not the way I thought would I do that.
Though I didn't regret point 3, I hate being the center of attention. When I cried, at that time I felt such a mess, but I actually am not. Everything I've been through has taught me something that not just everyone would understand, and that's priceless to me. Every lesson made me who I am today. You may call me any adjective there is in the dictionary, but one thing that I'm not is weak.
I finally went home, it was very late. I was ready for mom to yell at me, or well worst thing she would do to cry. But I walked in and fell asleep on the couch, with two of my brothers who btw, was drunk too at the time.
On the way back to Malang I texted friends from point 1 and point 2, apologizing and they were cool about it. I wish it was true but what I did was out of the line and they wouldn't tell me the truth, of course. What did I expect? I expect some "yeah that was hurtful what you said, but you were drunk so yeah" but nah, that's what I would do, doesn't mean that's what they would do. Everybody's heart is different and unique and I'm sure their ways are different too. I embrace it.
Despite everything, I tend to think about the negative more than the positive. I'm happy to be able to catch up with them, and I know that they love me in their own way. They always made me laugh though at that time I didn't know what to say or how to talk freely like I was young anymore. I'm sorry y'all, after everything I've been through. I don't know anymore how to be who I was before. I guess it's just one of those phases, hopefully.
If you're reading this, no matter how I act around you I just want you to know that I would try my best not to be a bummer around you. I just want you to welcome this new person to the group, the one who now lives in my skin. She still has a piece of me anyway. So tell her how your life is now, tell her the jokes that cracked me up in high school, tell me about the person you turn up to be because I want to know.
But when I decided to hang out with them, they picked me up and we rode through the street I used to pass as a high school student almost every day. All the familiar buildings weren't just buildings. When I passed through this one building of my school, I was thinking to myself "There. It was the spot where I used to spend most of my time as an 8th grader. I can't believe how often I thought of suicide there, and life should've been easier back there." and I saw what used to be our basketball court, "There used to be two rings across from each other, witnessing my childhood and how happy I was playing basketball with my friends in 10th grade." Pain and joy blended into one, I felt like I belonged, though the fact is I didn't, maybe I meant to move and to support myself get through all the crap and grow. I'm happy being here but this is not the kind of thing that I need to get my mind to grow.
I have my own thoughts about them that I promised not to spill ever. I've hung out with them about 3 times that time when I thought of it. The truth is I love them as my own siblings, even I have no idea what's actually going on with their mind about me but I always wish them to be their best selves. Consciously, I know not to say anything and just bottle it up, like everything else.
The 4th time we hung out, somehow I felt so sick out of blue. I had a bad feeling about it this time but I thought, I was just being crazy. So I went to my friend's house. Within a few hours, I got really drunk which was weird, I usually able to handle my booze but there I was, dying drunk. Plus I should've known better not to get drunk in front of them because I had never done that with them. "Okay, which drunk Kea are we going to meet today. Is it the dozy-drinker? or is it the daredevil asshole? is it the sir dance-a-lot? Oh no! Please! Not the weepy-emotional deadbeat!!"
My common sense and healthy thought went over my body and watching me from afar, kept telling me not to do everything I did. Remember what I said about to keep my thoughts to myself? Well that time, I unconsciously didn't. I didn't exactly remember everything, but the following are points I remember:
1. I pulled one of my friend's hand and said "Just because you suffered from an anxiety disorder, you should believe in yourself. You should know you have everything to be somebody" (Me to myself: Oh yeah wise-ass, wtf you talking about? you're a jobless graduate lol take you too long to decide what you wanna do)
2. I pulled another friend's hand and said "Dude, your girlfriend is amazing. You gotta live up to that. If she is worth it, make yourself worth it too. (Me to myself: wow what a dillhole! Who the fuck you think you are saying shit about somebody else's relationship)
3. Open up the jar and spilling all over the place. I told my only girlfriend in high school about all the things I feel toward her and ended up crying. (Me to myself: what the fuck! It has been years since you cry and you finally cry for this? That's all it takes?)
4. When I was drunk and I was about to come out of the closet, they shut me up. That's actually the right thing to do because I wasn't ready to do so and that's not the way I thought would I do that.
Though I didn't regret point 3, I hate being the center of attention. When I cried, at that time I felt such a mess, but I actually am not. Everything I've been through has taught me something that not just everyone would understand, and that's priceless to me. Every lesson made me who I am today. You may call me any adjective there is in the dictionary, but one thing that I'm not is weak.
I finally went home, it was very late. I was ready for mom to yell at me, or well worst thing she would do to cry. But I walked in and fell asleep on the couch, with two of my brothers who btw, was drunk too at the time.
On the way back to Malang I texted friends from point 1 and point 2, apologizing and they were cool about it. I wish it was true but what I did was out of the line and they wouldn't tell me the truth, of course. What did I expect? I expect some "yeah that was hurtful what you said, but you were drunk so yeah" but nah, that's what I would do, doesn't mean that's what they would do. Everybody's heart is different and unique and I'm sure their ways are different too. I embrace it.
Despite everything, I tend to think about the negative more than the positive. I'm happy to be able to catch up with them, and I know that they love me in their own way. They always made me laugh though at that time I didn't know what to say or how to talk freely like I was young anymore. I'm sorry y'all, after everything I've been through. I don't know anymore how to be who I was before. I guess it's just one of those phases, hopefully.
If you're reading this, no matter how I act around you I just want you to know that I would try my best not to be a bummer around you. I just want you to welcome this new person to the group, the one who now lives in my skin. She still has a piece of me anyway. So tell her how your life is now, tell her the jokes that cracked me up in high school, tell me about the person you turn up to be because I want to know.
